How to Understand the Importance of Self-Confidence and Trust to Reduce Jealousy in a Successful Marriage

Self-confidence
is usually regarded as a trait of personality, rather than of
character. Perhaps it is. Yet it is often the basic element in a very
important character problem, namely, jeal­ousy. Writers on marriage
usually handle jealousy as they would the problem of a washed-out
bridge. They put up warning and detour signs. They point out the awful
results of jealousy. No marriage can succeed until the "green-eyed
monster" has been vanquished.

The basic fallacy in this approach
is the assumption that jealousy can be overcome by an act of will. The
man on the road who sees the warning sign can take the detour, and
probably will. But jealousy is not a rational proposition. The jealous
mate may recognize clearly the dangers of his condition. But he can no
more cure his jealousy by merely determining to do so, than he could
cure himself of cancer, fallen arches, or eczema. Jealousy often
results in a lack of confidence in one's self. The conviction that most
other men are smarter, most other women more attractive; the feel­ing
that no one could love me; such are the base of much jealousy. Warnings
may only add to the feelings of helpless­ness and guilt, thus doing
more harm than good. Not until confidence is established can jealousy
be overcome.

The story is told of a man with an insanely jealous
wife. Instead of trying to defend himself from her accusations, or
scolding her for her lack of confidence in him, he acted to build her
up. He persuaded the ice man and the milk man to try to flirt with her.
He hired several men to try to pick her up on the street. With her
confidence in her attractive­ness thus restored, she lost her jealousy.
The cure is not al­ways so simple. The reasons for a lack of
self-confidence may lie deeply hidden in the subconscious. Cure may
involve ex­tensive analysis and treatment. Our purpose here is not to
point out how a lack of self-confidence can be cured. We wish only to
indicate that those who lack it are not yet ready for marriage.

Can you trust others?

Similar
to jealousy is an excessive suspicion of others. We have already warned
against trusting people to the point of marriage before you have proved
them. There is the op­posite danger of trusting no one at all on any
matter. For those investigating a crime, a suspicion of everyone who
might possibly be connected with it may be a proper atti­tude. It is no
sound basis for marriage. Undue suspicion of others usually indicates
one of two conditions which make marriage questionable. It may mean
that the individual lacks confidence in his own judgment. Therefore the
one safe procedure is to trust no one. Or it may indicate that the
person himself is not to be trusted. We often judge others by what we
know ourselves to be. The man who is unduly sus­picious may be telling
us that he is not to be trusted. Lack of trust in others either is a
character defect, or it indicates a personality condition which can
easily become a character defect.

This is all the more important
because a couple who begin by mistrusting others may end up by not
trusting each other. Increasingly the marriage will be marred by
jealousies and suspicions until finally the strain will become too
great and the marriage will break. The ability to trust others, under
proper circumstances and after adequate testing, is a char­acter
essential of paramount importance for marriage, or any other kind of
successful living.


Source: Cucan Pemo